I remember coming out of the office and calling my wife, Lisa. She asked, “How’d it go?” My reply probably sounded a little crazy. I said, “Actually, I’m not sure if I am about to get fired or if I am getting a raise.”

I had just come out of, what was the first of many, “coaching” sessions with my new pastor and boss, Tom Mullins. I was a brash 25-year-old youth pastor, who thought I knew everything there was to know about leading at what was for me a new level.

We had just moved from a small town in Kansas, where I served at a church of around 300 people. However, the youth ministry was “the hottest thing going” for students. Oh, did I mention the population of the town was 12,000 people? So, when we came to Christ Fellowship (the largest church I had ever seen up to that point), and the youth ministry had fewer students than the small church we had just left, I thought I had a lot to offer. 

What I soon found out was that I had A LOT to learn. And over those first two years, my pastors helped me do just that. The truth is, there were many “come to Jesus” meetings in that first couple of years. But, literally, I would leave each session knowing that I was being challenged to change while at the same time affirmed and shown grace and loved. 

It was a great lesson to me of the power of influence that one person can have in another person’s life. Influence: The act or power of producing an effect without apparent exertion of force or direct exercise of command. Best-selling author and CEO of GiANT wrote, “Influence is the most potent and underutilized professional resource on the planet.” Leadership is influence.  

As I think about Pastor Tom’s leadership, and the leadership of others, who have had an influence in my life, there are four characteristics that each demonstrated at some level. Four things that put together over time made each one’s influence REAL in my life. I believe these four characteristics will make your influence REAL in those you have the privilege to lead.

RELEVANT

The definition of relevant is having a significant and demonstrable bearing on the matter at hand. I remember having a conversation with my then 12-year-old daughter on the way home from school. She was frustrated because she could not see why algebra had any “relevance” (she actually used the word) to her life. I gave her the typical parent answer… “I know it doesn’t seem like it right now, but one day…” (insert weird face)

Here’s what’s true. If you and I are going to have influence with the people God has placed in our path, we need to position ourselves in a way that we have relevance to their lives. 

The Apostle Paul says in 1 Corinthians 9:19–23

“Even though I am a free man with no master, I have become a slave to all people to bring many to Christ. When I was with the Jews, I lived like a Jew to bring the Jews to Christ.  When I am with the Gentiles who do not follow the Jewish law, I too live apart from that law so I can bring them to Christ. But I do not ignore the law of God; I obey the law of Christ. When I was with those who follow the Jewish law, I too lived under that law. Even though I am not subject to the law, I did this so I could bring to Christ those who are under the law. When I am with those who are weak, I share their weakness, for I want to bring the weak to Christ. Yes, I try to find common ground with everyone, doing everything I can to save some. I do everything to spread the Good News and share in its blessings.” 

Three principles…

1. Paul was intentional

I have become a slave. This had to require empathy: the capacity for understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another person.

The good news is empathy is a skill that can be developed. I know because several years ago, I stunk at empathy! But, over the last seven years, I have been intentional in growing my capacity to understand and be aware, and to the best of my ability to experience the feelings, thoughts, and experiences of others.

2. Paul was purpose-driven

Paul was driven with the passion to all see people come to faith in Jesus Christ. Look back through the passage, and you will see four times Paul says, “When I was with…” Purpose compelled him to be relevant to each group of people he was with. He wasn’t trying to be cool, look good, get a promotion, more Instagram followers. Paul knows that he had to connect with people to have the influence to see his purpose fulfilled. 

3. Paul was strategic

He said, “I try to find common ground.” My mom is 78-year-old. One of the many things I love about my mom is how she downloads and tries to figure out new apps on her iPhone. She, many times will tell me how she is learning and using new technology. Why, because she wants to be able to find common ground with her grandkids. Strategic!  Now, when she figures out TikTok, I will have to tell her she’s gone too far. If your influence is going to be REAL, you will have to be able to find common ground, to relate, and show relevance to those you lead.

In the next post, we will look at the second characteristic of REAL influence, empowerment.  I will share a tool that will dramatically change the way you approach leadership.