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BE REAL! (Part Two)

BE REAL! (Part Two)

by | Jun 3, 2020 | Influence, Leadership

In the first post of this series, Be Real,” we looked at being RELEVANT.  If you have not had the chance to read that article you can read it HERE.  The second characteristic of REAL influence is…
 

EMPOWERING

Thinking back to my early days of leadership, I am so thankful to have been in an empowering environment. I made a lot of mistakes and did some crazy things. But my leaders gave me a go and didn’t give up on me when things didn’t go so well. Empowerment requires a culture that allows people to get knocked down without the fear of being knocked out.

So how do you build an empowering or liberating culture? The Support Challenge Matrix tool gives a picture of four types of leadership.

 

 

Source: GiANT Worldwide, LP

Protector

There are leaders who are really good at supporting the people they lead. “Man, you are doing a great job.” “You are so awesome.” But, they have a really hard time to bring a challenge. These leaders are protectors. This kind of leadership breeds a culture of entitlement and mistrust.

Dominator
The second type of leader finds it really easy to bring challenge, but difficult to offer support to the people they lead. This leads to a culture of fear and manipulation.

Abdicator
Then there are leaders who neither bring support or challenge. Maybe as a result of burnout or being checked out. These people abdicate their leadership and cause apathy and low expectation.

Liberator
However, when you, as a leader, can calibrate support and challenge to the individuals you lead. You create a culture of empowerment and opportunity. This is what my pastors did for me in my early days at Christ Fellowship. They were my liberators who empowered me to continue to grow. Your influence will be REAL with the people you lead as you continually look for ways to calibrate support and challenge in each individual’s life, empowering them, and opening opportunities for their growth.

In the next post we will look at the third characteristic of REAL influence, authenticity.  Until then I want to challenge you to find ways to individually calibrate support and challenge to each individual you have the privilege to lead.

 

BE REAL! (Part One)

BE REAL! (Part One)

by | May 27, 2020 | Influence, Leadership

I remember coming out of the office and calling my wife, Lisa. She asked, “How’d it go?” My reply probably sounded a little crazy. I said, “Actually, I’m not sure if I am about to get fired or if I am getting a raise.”

I had just come out of, what was the first of many, “coaching” sessions with my new pastor and boss, Tom Mullins. I was a brash 25-year-old youth pastor, who thought I knew everything there was to know about leading at what was for me a new level.

We had just moved from a small town in Kansas, where I served at a church of around 300 people. However, the youth ministry was “the hottest thing going” for students. Oh, did I mention the population of the town was 12,000 people? So, when we came to Christ Fellowship (the largest church I had ever seen up to that point), and the youth ministry had fewer students than the small church we had just left, I thought I had a lot to offer. 

What I soon found out was that I had A LOT to learn. And over those first two years, my pastors helped me do just that. The truth is, there were many “come to Jesus” meetings in that first couple of years. But, literally, I would leave each session knowing that I was being challenged to change while at the same time affirmed and shown grace and loved. 

It was a great lesson to me of the power of influence that one person can have in another person’s life. Influence: The act or power of producing an effect without apparent exertion of force or direct exercise of command. Best-selling author and CEO of GiANT wrote, “Influence is the most potent and underutilized professional resource on the planet.” Leadership is influence.  

As I think about Pastor Tom’s leadership, and the leadership of others, who have had an influence in my life, there are four characteristics that each demonstrated at some level. Four things that put together over time made each one’s influence REAL in my life. I believe these four characteristics will make your influence REAL in those you have the privilege to lead.

 

RELEVANT

The definition of relevant is having a significant and demonstrable bearing on the matter at hand. I remember having a conversation with my then 12-year-old daughter on the way home from school. She was frustrated because she could not see why algebra had any “relevance” (she actually used the word) to her life. I gave her the typical parent answer… “I know it doesn’t seem like it right now, but one day…” (insert weird face)

Here’s what’s true. If you and I are going to have influence with the people God has placed in our path, we need to position ourselves in a way that we have relevance to their lives. 

The Apostle Paul says in 1 Corinthians 9:19–23

“Even though I am a free man with no master, I have become a slave to all people to bring many to Christ. When I was with the Jews, I lived like a Jew to bring the Jews to Christ.  When I am with the Gentiles who do not follow the Jewish law, I too live apart from that law so I can bring them to Christ. But I do not ignore the law of God; I obey the law of Christ. When I was with those who follow the Jewish law, I too lived under that law. Even though I am not subject to the law, I did this so I could bring to Christ those who are under the law. When I am with those who are weak, I share their weakness, for I want to bring the weak to Christ. Yes, I try to find common ground with everyone, doing everything I can to save some. I do everything to spread the Good News and share in its blessings.” 

Three principles…

1. Paul was intentional

I have become a slave. This had to require empathy: the capacity for understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another person.

The good news is empathy is a skill that can be developed. I know because several years ago, I stunk at empathy! But, over the last seven years, I have been intentional in growing my capacity to understand and be aware, and to the best of my ability to experience the feelings, thoughts, and experiences of others.

2. Paul was purpose-driven

Paul was driven with the passion to all see people come to faith in Jesus Christ. Look back through the passage, and you will see four times Paul says, “When I was with…” Purpose compelled him to be relevant to each group of people he was with. He wasn’t trying to be cool, look good, get a promotion, more Instagram followers. Paul knows that he had to connect with people to have the influence to see his purpose fulfilled. 

3. Paul was strategic

He said, “I try to find common ground.” My mom is 78-year-old. One of the many things I love about my mom is how she downloads and tries to figure out new apps on her iPhone. She, many times will tell me how she is learning and using new technology. Why, because she wants to be able to find common ground with her grandkids. Strategic!  Now, when she figures out TikTok, I will have to tell her she’s gone too far. If your influence is going to be REAL, you will have to be able to find common ground, to relate, and show relevance to those you lead.

In the next post, we will look at the second characteristic of REAL influence, empowerment.  I will share a tool that will dramatically change the way you approach leadership.



 

 

Somebody’s Watching Me

Somebody’s Watching Me

by | May 20, 2020 | Influence, Leadership, Personal Development, Self Leadership

In 1984, a Motown label, one-hit-wonder by the stage name of Rockwell, released his debut single, “Somebody’s Watching Me.” The chorus declares, “I always feel like somebody’s watchin’ me, and I have no privacy.” The chorus ends with the question, “Is it just a dream?” I can’t speak to Rockwell’s level of privacy, but to answer the question, no, it is not a dream. Somebody’s always watching you.

Observe, Opinion, Opportunity

In his new book “The Sequence to Success: Three O’s That Will Take You Anywhere in Life,” leadership architect, author, and change strategist Samuel Chand shows that there is always a sequence to success in life. Success is the result of someone observing, forming an opinion, and deciding, as a result, if or if not to give an opportunity. I believe that the COVID pandemic has offered a fantastic opportunity for some and, unfortunately, a reality check for others. Individuals who’ve stepped up to challenges resulting from being forced into new rhythms are being observed, opinions are going to be formed, and opportunities will come as a result. For those who have shied away from the challenges, or have not handled the pressure well, it should not be surprising to think that future opportunities could be fewer.

I was reading in “Transformed: 7 Pillars of a Legacy Minded Man,” a YouVersion reading plan, the idea that “persona is our default way of interacting with the world around us. But, frequently, our default persona is most clearly revealed in times of crisis.” The same devotional went on to say that when a crisis hits, “Your persona will either rise up to keep you going or crumble beneath the pressure.” The writer gives the analogy, “When you squeeze an orange, tomato juice doesn’t come out, orange juice does.” The question is, when you are squeezed, what comes out?

Know Yourself Lead Yourself

Recently, I taught a webinar on the importance of continually improving one’s self to be ready for any season of leadership. (you can watch that webinar here). I shared a helpful tool, “Know Yourself, Lead Yourself.” It’s a great visual showing how tendencies have the potential to shape one’s actions. Our tendencies are a combination of nature; what is hardwired from birth, nurture; the unique experiences and environments that form one’s life, and choices made. They create patterns of behavior. And, when a person is squeezed, those tendencies can be amplified.

However, when we are aware of our tendencies, we can act and/or respond, not accidentally, but intentionally. Intentional actions result is better consequences and leads to the desired reality closer to the way we want to be experienced by others. A great question to regularly ask is, “What’s it like to be on the other side of me?” Honest feedback from trusted people will assist in your best self, showing up in both good times and in seasons when the squeeze is on. Remember, someone is watchin’ you. They are forming opinions and deciding if you are a leader, they can follow.

They’re Not Acting Like Themselves!

They’re Not Acting Like Themselves!

by | May 13, 2020 | Communication

Have you seen the Snickers bar commercials where the young millennial guy is acting more like Betty White on the football field? Or the 2015 Super bowl commercial where Marsha from the Brady Bunch is behaving more like Sons of Anarchy actor Danny Trejo more than herself? Then they are handed a Snickers bar and told, “Eat a Snickers.” Why? “You are not you when you are hungry.” Several years ago, my pastors Todd and Julie Mullins, took that idea and turned it into a communication and conflict resolution tool for our staff. 

Sons of Anarchy actor Danny Trejo

We all have times when we act or respond contrary to our better self. Resulting from pressure, fatigue, or (let’s be honest) hunger, our best self turns into someone different than the person we want to be, or we want others to experience. Because we’ve all experienced these lapses in how people experience us, we can fill the gap between how another person responds or acts, that is out of character and the way he or she would generally act or react when at their best. It is the difference between a snapshot picture and a movie. One frame does not make the movie. Neither does one inadequate response or season of acting out of sorts tell the entire story of a person’s character.

Enter the Snickers bar. In the leadership culture at Christ Fellowship, when a teammate has acted differently than what is true of who they are,  a Snickers bar can be used to initiate a conversation with that person. The candy bar signals that there’s about to be a courageous conversation addressing how the person has acted or responded in a recent situation. It also forecasts that the individual bringing the Snickers bar knows how the person responded to the situation is not how they would typically respond. The Snickers bar reveals the individual’s desire to call up the best in their colleague.

World’s largest Snickers bar is the size of 43,000 single-size candy bars put together

Click here

The size of the offense or issue will also determine the size of the Snickers bar. Small items require a mini Snickers bar. Something a bit more profound would call for a full-size Snickers bar. However, there may be an issue so significant that a one-pound Snickers Slice ‘N Share Candy Bar can only suffice. No! In all seriousness, if something is that big of a topic, it probably has passed the limits of the Snickers bar.

I often say small offenses can build large fences. Having a bag a Snickers Mini’s could be just what is needed to keep minor offenses from building up in the relationships that matter most to you. So, I encourage you to use this practical tool in your marriage, with family members, and in your work relationships. Why not use it with your friends? Give each person a Snickers bar, tell them how to use it, and commit to being open to hearing “Snickers bar” conversations when you have not acted out or your best self.

Unlock the Door: Keys to Becoming a Reader

Unlock the Door: Keys to Becoming a Reader

by | May 6, 2020 | Personal Development, Reading, Self Leadership

We’ve all heard the statement, “leaders are readers.” But, it is so hard for many, who want to develop their leadership, to create a habit of reading. I get it! For many years, I tried to unlock the door that held me back from experiencing success in a consistent and enjoyable reading discipline. There were a lot of locks on the door that held me back.  Sadly, most of the locks were restraints of inhibition. They were self-sabotaging limiting beliefs I told myself. “I have dyslexia. I’m not a good reader. I’m a slow reader. I don’t have time to read.” None of the bolts on the door were the result of prohibition. No one was enforcing restrictions on me that kept me from the treasure of a consistent reading habit.

Source: GiANT Worldwide, LP

I read this quote that changed my perspective on reading  Charlie “Tremendous” Jones said, “You will be the same person in five years as you are today except for the people you meet and the books you read.” I made the decision, I didn’t want to be the same five years later.  That one decision has led me on a continual journey of unlocking the treasure that is waiting in every book I get to read. I simply had to find the right keys to open the door.

I found them! And, the treasure of reading has changed me. A piece of my identity has transformed from being a person who reads books to being a reader (and I personally like the adjective, avid). Here are four keys that you can use to unlock the door that is keeping you from being a reader.

KEY #1: FIND A REASON THAT MOTIVATES YOU

I had to have a reason to continue pursuing a daily reading habit. I realized if I didn’t have a WHY for developing a reading habit, I couldn’t figure out the HOW of doing it.  When I got the why then the how’s fell into place. 

There are incredible benefits that I enjoy as a reader.  My communication skills have improved. My intelligence has increased (some people may challenge that). I know that reading has enhanced my critical thinking skills, and it’s given me stronger self-esteem as a leader. 

But, even considering all the fantastic benefits reading continues to add to me, my why is directly tied to my passion for continually learning and growing.  To not settle for the status quo.  Finding a reason that motivated you will be a powerful key to develop your reading habit.

FOR MORE BENEFITS OF CREATING A READING HABIT, CHECK OUT THIS FROM MY PROVERTIVITY SERIES.

Seven Benefits and Four Ways to Create a Habit of Reading

Key #2: READ ENJOYABLE MATERIAL THAT ENGAGES YOUR INTERESTS

I find that when I stay in specific genres and themes of books, my reading habit is continually energized. Before I became a reader, I would read only out of duty, drudging through books full of information and text that bored me. Over the last several years of being a reader, I found authors who I connect with and content that I enjoy. The vast majority of the books I read are driven by my personal interests and areas I want to grow. (http://thejamesduvall.com/2019-book-list/)
Finding enjoyable material that engages your interest will motivate you to remain interested, avoid boredom, maintain your regular reading habit.

Key # 3: KEEP AVAILABLE RESOURCES READILY ON HAND

Many times I found that I had the time or the desire to read, but I couldn’t because I didn’t have a book handy.  Or, I had my book, but I didn’t have my reading glasses. (Did I tell you about my progressively degenerative condition called aging?) I learned the idea of keeping books ready at all times from Jeff Olsen’s book, The Slight Edge. I started putting books, reading glasses, and highlighters in strategic places like beside my bed, at my office, in my backpack, on my phone, and yes, in the restroom. When I had the opportunity, I was always able to read.  Very few times was I without a book and reading supplies available. I would encourage you to do the same.

You are probably asking, “You were reading multiple books at the same time?” The answer is yes, and it leads us to the fourth key.

KEY #4: READ PAGES NOT BOOKS

When I stopped focusing on reading books and started focusing on reading pages, my reading quantity skyrocketed. I set a goal to read 10 pages every day.  Each day that I read my quota, I succeed and keep my momentum going.  Those daily wins added up, and the total was quite impressive.  I calculated that If I could read 10 pages every day over 365 days, I would read 3650 pages or almost 15 books. I started with such a small quota that was so easy to accomplish. As my reading habit has grown, my daily quota has grown. Determining a daily quota for the number of pages I read a day guaranteed my success, and it will secure yours as well.

Starting a discipline of reading can be challenging. However, success will be yours when pick up and use the keys, making them your own. Then your identity will be changed, like mine, from a person who reads to a reader.